Wednesday, May 2, 2012

OLd Man Slippers

Spencer has chosen his shoes. You know, all two year olds go through this phase. First it was the Fireman rain boots. Then, the shirt had to have a trash truck on it or he wasn't gonna wear it.

Now it's the old black man fleece slippers. And MUST be worn with socks. Pink toed crew socks, or we ain't goin' nowhere.

No offense to any old black men. At least they aren't the Adidas shower sandals and socks.

Straight up Ghetto.


Monday, April 16, 2012

Public peeing and pooping

No No No I didn't poop on the beach (or poop at all, in public), but I HAD to pee, and we were at the park and I had to get Harper to museum school, and she had to pee, so I let her pee between the car doors, and her peeing made me have to pee, and so I did.

It was either that or schlepp all my kids AND puppy to a 7-11 or someplace, get out of the car, get them into the place without the whining "I want I want Gimmee Gimme candy, Slurpee...etc" and actually getting to the bathroom in time.....


I used to just pull over to a convenience store and go, but you can't leave your kids in the car while you go in and pee, so you have to take them in, which is SO time consuming and expensive, what with the candy, and the fact that Spencer always unwraps something, or opens a bag of chips, or spills something....

What a day. How humiliating. I hope no one saw, like this poop person taking a whale sized dumperoo on the beach.

And I didn't wipe or wash my hands. Bad example.

Don't judge.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012


Okay, I know I am usually posting about kid shit, but man my leg veins are bugging me. They don't hurt, but man....I'm not vain about the exterior, I've gained weight since I popped out these kids, but SHIT. Veins. I have some nasty spider veins on the backs of my thighs, hear me?
Googling vein removal, vein laser, vein clinics, spider vein removal, sclerotherapy.....
I have had them for a while, but I tried on shorts at the Gap today, and DAMN. Shocking, and I think the mirrors there are pretty flattering, yes?
Okay, should I start a savings? Dermablend is fine for photo shoots, but at the pool? No. I must do something.
PS. Jelly beans.
Good night.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Jelly Beans, chards of glass.

So did you know we got a puppy? She's really cute! Harper named her Cupcake because we brought her home on my birthday.
I feel the need to tell everyone that because I think it's a shitty name. I like to name dogs nonsensical names, or actual names. I would have named her Pippa. I like that name. But Cupcake she is.
So, being that it's Easter, I thought I'd put a jar of jelly beans on the entry table. It's a round crystal vase. It had been there for all of 2 minutes and I heard a CRASH! I ran in there(barefooted) and saw Spencer and Cupcake picking jellybeans out from the huge chards of glass and eating them. Spencer had a HUGE chard in his left hand and was eating jelly beans with his right.
Spencer is going through a phase that no matter what is in his hand, if you try to take it, he tightens his grip. I had to be smart here to avoid bloodshed. Amazingly he handed it over, but it was not as easy prying him away from the jagged buffet.
I put him up on the kitchen counter next to the monkey cookie jar full of fruit roll ups. That'll keep him busy.
Puppy went in the backyard.
I picked up most of the large pieces of glass, and then wrapped my hand in duct tape to pick up the tiny chards, and I ate a few jelly beans.....yes. Yes I did.
I vaccumed up the rest of the glass, and that was that.
Spencer is completely unscathed. Amazing.
I expect Cupcakes poop to be very multicolored. and sparkly.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Harper McEnroe

Little Big Mouth got in trouble for saying "I'm ready to kick BUTT, Coach!" at tennis yesterday. He told her to find another way to express herself, and while she is sitting and thinking about it, she will not be able to play for 5 minutes.(An appropriate time out for a 5 year old)

She threw a crying fit, and stomped off the court to the bench, and threw her Dora the Explorer racket at the net.

"That's another 5, Harper"


She missed the rest of practice, but has a private lesson on Thursday, and he said if she can think of another way to express herself by then, she can play.

Poor Harper. She's got a fucking dirty mouth full of shit, poopie, buttholes, and boobies.

Maybe I will stuff a yellow tennis ball in her mouth before class Thursday.(Or a pingpong ball)

In Spencer news, He likes Barbies, specifically taking off their clothes and putting them in his trucks.
He can put together a 3 word sentence now." Weedle Weedle Butt Kiss" "Gamu Gamu Ga" and "Mama a truck side"
He is obsessed with the trucks still, and it has crossed my mind more than once that he's developing a tick about them. Every other word is truck, and no matter what the topic is, he can find a way to fit the word truck in.

"Goodnight Spency, I love you"

"I love you too mama"


Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Oldest trick in the book.

Miss Harper was dying to have a Blue Bell cotton candy ice cream bar after she ate a sufficient amount of dinner.
She would take tiny bites, and ask,"Now? Have I eaten enough now?"
"A few more bites" I said, and resumed my conversation with Jeff.
She was being a good girl and not interrupting, so she just excused herself to the bathroom (she usually goes potty about halfway through a meal, like clockwork. )
She came back, took a few more bites and showed me her plate again.
"Okay Harper"
She runs to the freezer and delightedly gets a bar for herself, and one for Spencer, who gobbles down everything cause he's a growing boy, and hasn't met a food he doesn't like.
Jeff then excuses himself from the table and shouts from the bathroom...."Looks like someone threw some black beans, tortillas, and chicken in the toilet!"

Sneaky little girl was putting bites in her napkin and threw it in the toilet, but doyhead forgot to flush it.

I glared at her across the table, and she just smiled that dimpled smile, continued to eat her ice cream, and I told her I was very dissapointed in her. "At least hide the evidence by flushing the toilet, amateur".

Tuesday, March 6, 2012


Suki dug a huge hole in the center of the huge pile of dirt, and then proceeded to dig in all the beds. Dirt is everywhere.
Not sure how to fix it, leaf blower? Broom? Euthanasia?